


Human(oid?)

by carefulfleshgnawer



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-17
Updated: 2014-06-02
Packaged: 2018-01-04 23:53:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1087126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carefulfleshgnawer/pseuds/carefulfleshgnawer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A life where Nagisa doesn`t die, but remains angelic and very much alive.</p>
<p>Focuses more on Kaworu himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Unusualities in my precious cycles

This life is different. Strongly so, from others. They are all different in ways, yes, but this one especially so. Kaworu hadn`t been taken in by SEELE when he`d experienced birth. Instead, he`d grown up in Sweden, between lakes and vague, looming forests.

He sits now, back bent and head bowed to look into a mirror surface of water. The soil doesn`t get warm here and he is barefoot. Even now, Kaworu thinks.

 His father had passed away yesterday. (his mother - years before that). The body is still in the house, on the couch, already filling the very air with death. The house doubled as a morgue. A place where bodies were balmed, bathed, burnt to ash and laid out into coffins full of fragile flowers and paper cranes.

Kaworu thinks how he`ll be the one laying his father into a coffin that had been fitted for a long time. (Because his father had taught him to do that, and Kaworu always tried his best to learn) He thinks how soon enough he will be found and brought to Japan, how soon enough he`ll be the pilot, the fifth child. How, soon enough, his second nature, the nature of Tabris will be unearthed and pulled forth, unto Adam who waits.

He waits for all of that as he thinks because that is what has always happened in all the other lives, which he never remembers clearly except in short dreamlike fits.

Kaworu is serene. He is quiet, thoughtful as he stands up to full height, straightening his spine and raising his arms slowly. Kaworu has his eyes closed as he topples himself over into the glass water. Kaworu drenches himself in the water`s seeping coldness. Kaworu wouldn`t mind if he were able to drown now, showing the air from his lungs and it feels  
so  
much  
like  
falling  
slowly  
softly  
endlessly

Until he is laid tenderly on the sands. Then he opens his eyes. The lake is so deep. How long has it been? Is he alive? Probably.

He swims back, crawls from the glass water unto the dust earth. Clothes hug his paper skin. His scarf is gone. It doesn`t really matter. He saunters back to the house-morgue, footsteps light. There is surprisingly much light here, and the trees have pale bark and almost white leaves. The ground is but reindeer moss and fragile fallen branches. This place, it reminds Kaworu of something. He is not sure what exactly, but it is something important. (Something he forgot? Something from another life? Something from the beginning of life? He remembers so much that he forgets everything.)

The corpse is taken care of within the week, coffin buried in the nearest cemetery next to t`s other half. Human mother and human father.

Kaworu kisses the ground where their foreheads should be. Thanks them, voice loud and strong and sure and he says _“I am so completely sorry”_ because he mourns them not, as is human custom.

Even if he loves them,

because he hates them to an extent as well. And it`s a swelling anger in his core, the lament of Adam, mother of Tabris.

 It`s instinct.

A synonym for regret, he has thought and accepted.

**

He goes swimming everyday now, though spends more time under the surface than above it.

He doesn’t bother to remember eating, he is angelic and free of bodily bothers.

 (and walking past the mirrors he counts his ribs sometimes. But as he has no sense of normalcy for body health, he thinks he`s fine. His eyes hollow. He loves himself and the world. He can`t hear his footsteps anymore, sliding over green earth, undisturbing and undisturbable. Kaworu likes it here, by himself. Walking, Thinking. Watching. Drowning and being reborn alive again, above the water. The miniature replica of his cycle.)

It`s kind of nice.

**

When they arrive, he meets the SEELE personnel with a smile, reminds them not to trample the grass as he leads them inside to talk. They scrunch their faces upon entering.

_Smells of death_ , they say. Kaworu`s smile widens because he can`t feel it anymore.

(dreamlike, half-asleep, content and understanding)

 He agrees to leave Sweden without a single word being said in persuasion by the suited people.

**

Then, when he sets foot between the numbered monoliths of SEELE, he is Tabris again. He is taught the same plan again, and then flied to Japan. The air there – stagnate. The grass – weeping, the trees – mournful. He loves every bit of them with most of his being. (hates them with the rest)

 He meets the same people. All of them are different. It really is amazing how variable is constancy. A different life for all? Yes. A different purpose? Not really, just said in different words.

**

And when the night comes upwards from the ground, shrouding him, he is afraid, locked in the four thick walls of his room underground. There are no woods here, no lakes, no smells of death and it is  
terrifying.

(Kaworu cries with face pressed to the pillow, sobbing loudly and shaking violently. Where is this? Am I Tabris now? Can I choose? Can I choose? I know I can`t. Not now.)

It`s very much like waking up from a dream, reality crashing and tumbling down. He is not the child of morticians anymore. He is an angel. The last of them. What are 15 years of silence and peace when they fall down? Shards? No, shards can be put back together.

Dust. Countless particle of it. Cruel and horrible and so blindingly painful and he can`t stop shaking-

**

Morning?

The clock says yes. But there is no view of the sky here. No sunrise. Just lightbulbs and white walls and the sound of metal.

 And it`s time to meet the other pilots.(he doesn`t quite want to move at all) He knows them already. They don`t know him. Repetition. Always the same.

Asuka is disgusted with something in Kaworu. Calls him pathetic. (He doesn`t know his eyes are still puffy and glass-like.)

Rei is passive except for a flicker of something in her eyes. (Maybe Kaworu hears her whisper ‘ _welcome back_ ’ under her breath, maybe not)

Shinji is aghast. There is fear in his eyes when he says Kaworu reeks of death and chemical supplies. _‘I think you mean morgue’_ Kaworu supplies with a smile, eyes half-lidded and piercing. Shinji cowers, but nods.

(Something in him screams at the thought of Shinji associating death with him. Death? He _is_ life.)

Then come the synch tests, which are easy to get through.

In the changing rooms, he hears Shinji gasp. When he questions it, Shinji answers that Kaworu looks sickly. And that gets him confused.

“How so?”

”Well, it`s just… you are so pale and all the bones are showing. Usually, that means a person is sick.”

And suddenly so many situations in life make sense. It almost makes him want to laugh. He doesn`t. Just smiles.

“I see. Thank you for explain, Ikari.”

The boy looks away, uncomfortable. It`s as clear a sign as any. Kaworu turns away as well. Shinji leaves first.

**

Arael ruins Asuka.

Ruins her to the core. A crumbled ruin of a majestic cathedral that had reached up into the skies.

(Maybe a shipwreck would be a more accurate comparison?)

**

Rei is injured by Armisael as she takes it down. Hospitalized. Unfit for battle.

(Kaworu sees her once, in the hospital, in the night. She is awake and whispers something harshly at him. He can only remember that it terrified him, but not the words.)

Unit 01 remains frozen. Shinji is angry and helpless. Outside central dogma`s command room, he runs from Kaworu like the plague. Kaworu doesn`t chase.

 Not in this life.

**

They wait for the last angel. Kaworu can imagine the whole of NERV as an animal. Crouched, tense-spined and vigilant, can imagine himself the same way, but it doesn`t feel like the time for him to do as always yet. In fact, he does not even begin to feel the final day approach at all.

It drives him into a paranoia of sorts. He becomes anxious. Terrified, a constant gaping churning in his stomach. SOmehting should`ve happened by now, s _omething about this is not right,_ he thinks, he says, he screams. And at night, tied in the covers of his bed, he weeps, tearless.

_Something in this life is bent and something of him feels missing._

**

A month.

 He can`t feel the day, still.

 Shinji begins to reconsider, talk to him. Shy comments at first, but he soon they are striking conversations and walking to school together.

 They go swimming, once. (Kaworu sinks to the bottom as he always does, but when he resurfaces, Shinji is completely hysterical, worried. He cries, saying he`d thought Kaworu had drowned,  
that Kaworu was dead  
that Kaworu`s lungs were full of saltwater  
that Kaworu was cruel enough to leave the world  
And Kaworu understands something about Shinji then. Shinji is terrified of death, be it his own or another`s.)

(Kaworu howls inwards, in irony)

They don`t mention it later. But there is a bond fastened between them.

**

Two months.

Shinji stays over sometimes, and they talk about life experiences, vaguely, but never in details. Shinji holds a lurching pain over it, Kaworu just doesn`t know how. He`s never had a life before.

(at least not with forests and lakes and corpses that are peaceful and loving parents and the occasional stags in the wilderness)

(The sense of something missing strengthens. As if half of him is gone, torn away. It`s so wrong, so wrong so wrong so wrong-)

**

And then, one day, it comes. And it is not at all like before.

This angel is Tabris.

(This angel is not Kaworu Nagisa. Not in this life.)

It comes from the heavens, looks like a seraph. (six wings and so many eyes, all their pupils blood red)

Kaworu stands in central dogma and he is aghast _._ He is supposed to _be the last angel_. He is _supposed to lead 02 to it`s destruction, down the tunnel. Tabris is supposed to be inside._

It makes him physically nauseous when he is ordered to fight it.

 He panics. Begs. ‘ _Not this one’ ‘please, no this is so so wrong no I can`t please-’ ‘don`t make me fight this, don`t don`t don`t’_

And then he is inside of an eva. He has no idea how this happened. He is breathing Lilith`s blood and moving to fight that which is also Tabris. (His torn-away half?)

When the angel sees him, it lurches, encircles the eva with it`s wings and stares for whole minutes and then it starts to whisper. It`s gibberish at first, but as the volume of the voice increases, it filters in Kaworu`s mind as words, horrible, loud, sharp words and he doesn`t want to hear this- _‘your fault’ ‘traitor’ ‘weak’ ‘you did this’ ‘why did you do this_ ’’ ** _you broke yourself with despair you weakling_** ’

This Tabris exudes light and heat. It is on fire as it screams.

And Lilith`s blood boils around Kaworu. Something howls with pain.

(which one? Which Tabris? Who is begging? Who feels more pain?)

Something snaps, crunches, cries out in agony.

Impaled. Boiled. Flying. Burning. One of them dies.

Which one?

Which one?

**

Tabris wakes in a white room, cords flowing into him. He can hear the liquid inside of him, in his veins and arteries, making him sluggish. Sedated. It`s so tiring to move here, so Tabris stays still.

(Underwater? Is he swimming again? It doesn`t feel the same. Is this drowning?)

“Can you understand me?”

A person stands over him, holding a clipboard and wearing a white coat.

His response – a lazy nod, barely noticeable, but enough as the sound of liquid is joined by the scribbling of a pen. Like a symphony.

“Do you know your name?”

And since it`s too tiring to try and speak, he nods again.

“What is your name?”

They really want to hear it. He may as well agree to indulge them. He can taste the name on his tongue but he isn`t sure if it`s his. Does he really know or has he forgotten?

But then, as if it is muscle memory-

“Tabris?”

(Why is it a question?)

 Scribbling. But before another question

“Ah, but there was another one. What was it? Nagisa? Nagisa what? I don`t know, ah, I don`t know.”

His skin feels so cold suddenly. Why did he forget? Why?

His mind starts to buzz. He hears the person ask another question, but it`s too muffled. What happened? Everything is fading. The liquid rushes at his brain.

So sleepy.

Tabris lowers the lids of his eyes.

**

Awake. He is. Is this the first time? The last? Was he even alive before this? Did he dream before this, before being born? Or did he die and start dreaming just now? Which reality is this? Which him is he? Is he even himself here?

Open eyes. Look. See. Learn.

Learn? Doesn`t he know already? No, he has forgotten at the moment. This isn`t a life he remembers right now.

Cords flowing. White ceiling.

Unfamiliar, he thinks.  But the word is stolen, someone else`s. Who says that?

Steel eyes? He remembers steel eyes to go with that word. Who had eyes like that? Do they exist here as well?

He sits up. Remembers. He is Tabris. Kaworu Nagisa. Half of him is dead, he`d showed an eva`s had straight through the core. Impaled himself. (It makes him sick)

The sedatives are weaker now, he can move relatively easily. He rises from the bed, tugs the needles from his bloodstream. They clatter on the ground, spilling the liquid still in Kaworu`s system. The places where the needles had been bleed maroon, staining his paper skin.

One of the walls is a mirror. He puts a finger to the surface. No distance from the reflection, so from the other side it is a window. Who is watching him? Is anyone there? Maybe. It doesn`t matter. Probably. He still doesn`t fully comprehend which life this is.

A door opens behind him. Two people come in. He sees them in the reflection but doesn`t turn to face them straight on. It`s Doctor Akagi and captain Katsuragi.

“We would like to debrief you, so come with us.”

He complies, but doesn`t bother smiling, as is his norm. They lead him to a grey room (he`d always thought all the rooms here were white, so it`s a surprise.)

He sits down, the chair is hard and made of metal. They remain standing.

“What is your objective at NERV?” (Misato`s voice is steel sharp.)

“Ah, sorry, could you tell me wh-”

“We ask the questions here.”

“But this has to do with me answering your questions.”

“Very well. Go on.”

“I seem to have forgotten a whole lot of recent events. Would you mind refreshing my memory, even just slightly?”

She narrows her eyes and they flicker in irritation. Tabris feels bad about that, he guesses, but, hey, this is a chance of finally understanding which of all those godforsaken lives this is.

Misato flicks over a few pages in what Tabris supposes is his file with a frown on her face.

“December 16th, Kaworu Nagisa, that`s you, arrived at NERV as the designated fifth child, substitute pilot of evangelion unit 02. December 17th, synch tests, the fifth child shows a strong ability to synchronise with eva unit. December 29th, the fifteenth angel, Arael, strikes. The fifth child does not engage combat, although is present in central dogma to observe the combat. January- ugh, this is too pointless, let me just-” she flips a page and scans it with her eyes, apparently looking for certain lines in the text “Ah, here – March 20th, the 17th angel, Tabris, also you somehow, strikes. The fifth child is sent to intersect it in the Tokyo-3 region. During the piloting, eva unit 02 appears to experience anomalous hybridization with the angel, which is trying to achieve contact with the pilot. Abnormal heating of the LCL environment as well as changes in the pilot`s blood pattern are noted. The pattern is blue, matches the 17th angel`s, which is subdued via impaling by the hybridised eva unit`s right hand. During this, the entry plug is ejected and lands in the woods in the immediate vicinity of the clash. When personnel arrives to investigate and retrieve the pilot, he is outside the plug and displaying symptoms of dementia. He is sedated and retrieved to NERV headquarters, mostly intact. Further tissue analysis confirm the shared DNA between the fifth child, from now on addressed as 17th angel, and the other body of the 17th angel, Tabris. And the rest is the previous interview attempt and now this, as it is being logged and monitored.”

He stunned for a moment.

“Wait a second, Tabris, that, uh, other one, is dead, a-and I`m alive?”

“So it seems.”

And before he can quite get a grip on himself he chokes out “ _why?_ ” and his voice breaks on it and there is surprise on both Misato`s and Ritsuko`s faces as if that was the last thing they would`ve expected to hear from him.

“What do you mean ‘ _why_ ’?”

“It`s just-no, never mind, it`s nothing, I’m just not sure what is to happen next.”

It`s a jumble of words, comes out too quickly, too shakily, too suspiciously, and they`re staring at him all weird now.

(why does he need to hide these things form the lilim again? He`s not sure, really. Is that what a sense of privacy is like? Something he doesn`t want others to know? He`s had things like that before, too.(a different life, red streaks lining his limbs and skins, crawling inwards to soothe some strange ache he didn`t understand at the time))

A deep breath. A sighing exhale. “It has nothing to do with the information you want”

It`s enough of a placation. Misato`s eyes are still narrow

”Alright. Back to debriefing. We ask again – What is your objective at NERV?”

“At SEELE, I was informed that my objective would be to penetrate the lowermost level of central dogma to fuse with Adam at a designated time, resulting in the triggering of the third impact and the human instrumentality project.”

“Something seems off about what you`re saying.”

“Yeah, it seems the events didn`t occur according to the information. There was a, uh, clone? I guess of me, which proceeded with the mission in my place. Evidently, the plan has failed, hasn`t it?”

“So, what becomes of you now, Tabris? Will you try to complete the mission the other you couldn`t?”

“I don`t feel like I have to. So I guess I won`t."

“Just guess?”

Her eyebrows are up.

“A bit more sure than a guess. I don`t have a reason to do anything right now, to be honest. I`m, ah, what`s the word, pointless?”

His own bluntness shocks him.

“So what you`re saying is that you are currently not harbouring any animosity towards NERV or any of its personnel?”

“I`m not feeling any animosity towards anything, really.” It makes him feel a bit empty to admit that. He sets his gaze upon the floor, smiling wistfully.

They whisper something between themselves and Tabris doesn`t really bother trying to listen until they address him directly, Ritsuko speaking this time.

“We have yet to decide how to deal with you, but since you promise no animosity, NERV could possibly benefit from working with a living angel specimen.” There`s a gleam of interest in her eye that makes Tabris` heart clench.

He still nods though.

“Also, there was someone else who wished very desperately to speak with you, so you`ll have to wait for a while here while they arrive.”

Tabris can`t help but wonder who`d want to talk, _really talk_ , to him at this point. He doesn`t hold his breath for it to be an actual conversation, just anger and violence and _why do lilim even find such emotions necessary? He`ll never understand._

Another nod. Katsuragi and Akagi leave the grey room, the doors clicking closed behind them. Tabris relaxes into the chair and closes his eyes. The wait could turn out long.


	2. Tabris. Awake!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note that the reason Kaworu is so out of character at the beginning is because he is very shaken up by the events that have occurred!
> 
> aaa, I hope this story makes sense to other people the way it does to me ūoū``

When Kaworu had been fighting the last angel, Shinji had been worried, restless. He hadn`t wanted to lose another friend and the screaming through the intercom had been a death toll ticking. He remembers begging to be let to pilot unit 01. Remembers punching a wall so hard his hand almost broke, when his request was declined.

Then the personnel had started talking about abnormalities and changes in blood patterns and hybridization and matching wavelengths and Shinji hadn`t understood them. He`d thought the angel was killing Kaworu.

When the fifth child was retrieved, they told him Kaworu was also the last angel. It had made Shinji sick with shock. He hadn`t visited Kaworu while he`d been comatose for about a week, but he`d been hurting inside so badly, remembering all the time they`d spent together and how Kaworu could have been misleading him the whole while. How Kaworu could have though it wasn`t a real friendship, just a precaution to make his mission easier. Shinji was desolate. Inconsolable.

He also really wanted answers.

**

When Shinji walks into the room where Kaworu is, the other boy is on the floor, asleep in a foetal position. (Had he really taken that long?)

He coughs. Kaworu doesn`t even twitch. He walks over to the sleeper, crouches and prods him with his hand. Kaworu makes a sound and shifts but doesn`t wake up. Shinji prods again, firmer this time.

„Wake up, Nagisa.”

It`s outright terrifying how fast Kaworu`s eyes open at that. And he just stares, doesn`t even move form how he`s lying on the ground. He almost opens his mouth to say something but then closes it. And he doesn`t look so much like Kaworu anymore. There`s something off, but Shinji can`t tell what.

Then Kaworu shifts to sit, hugging his knees and bowing his head. Avoiding eye contact. (Isn`t Shinji supposed to be the one doing that?)

“I`m sorry.” It`s a mumble, barely there. Too quiet to tell if his voice broke and it enrages Shinji. Makes his blood boil. How dare Kaworu try and placate him.

“You lied and you betrayed and you`re horrible and disgusting. Do you really think sorry is enough, Nagisa?”

Kaworu flinches. His lip is trembling.

“No, it`s not.”

He`s pulled in on himself now, shoulders hunched and Shinji can`t even see his face. It does nothing to ease his anger because he realises he`s just like Nagisa. He hides and accepts blame too. He tries to make himself small, unseen. Tries to placate and compromise. But at least Shinji doesn`t lie like Kaworu does.

“I think I might just hate you now.”

“Then you can kill me.”

Shinji feels so disgustingly tempted to. He can already feel the pale skin of Kaworu`s exposed and weak throat beneath his palms. He can already feel the life seeping out of the angel. He can already feel the terrifying satisfaction of something that is too much like revenge.

“You probably deserve nothing more.”

(Maybe it`s a lie. Kaworu had at least tried to be kind, after all.)

“Don`t worry, it`s not like I ever get anything more.”

It`s a strange sentence to say. Something large and shadowed is behind it. Some kind of sadness.

“What do you mean?”

No answer.

“Tell me, Nagisa.”

Kaworu still doesn`t answer.

Shinji inflames white hot. Jumps forward, toppling the angel.

Hands around the throat, one knee digging into Kaworu`s belly, crushing it.

Kaworu gasps but there is no surprise in those sad maroon eyes. Just understanding. And something like waiting. Longing.

“Please tell me. Don`t lie, Kaworu. Just _please_.” Shinji all but chokes it out, even as he tightens his grip, preventing Kaworu from talking by blocking his trachea.

Kaworu`s face changes colour, swells red and his eyes redden too, the colour of his irises intensifying. Tears of suffocation begin to gather at the corners of his eyes but even so Kaworu puts one hand on top of Shinji`s and he squeezes.

As if making sure Shinji doesn`t let go. As if he really does want to die.

His face has gone violet. He closes his eyes.(Kaworu looks so vulnerable like this. Shinji doesn`t believe the boy is an angel right now.)

Then, Shinji realizes why Kaworu doesn`t look the same. He isn`t smiling.

(He can`t kill him like this. Not like this.)

When he tries to let go of the angel`s neck, Kaworu`s hand tightens around his. It`s enough to send Shinji into panic.  He literary tears his hands away and scrambles off of Kaworu.

It takes a moment, but Kaworu`s face returns to it`s usual pallor, or at least something very similar to it. He opens his eyes when he turns his head to look at Shinji. His eyes are still red-rimmed and too intense and bleary. Kaworu looks dizzy.

(And still so vulnerable)

Shinji crawls back over to Kaworu, pulls his head in his lap and pets his hair lightly. They don`t say anything for a while, as the pressure in Kaworu`s head goes back to normal.

“I`m too horrible to kill you.”

“I`m too horrible to kill myself, by myself.”

“Maybe we`re both just really horrible.”

“I guess so.”

And Shinji isn`t angry anymore. Just like that, so easily. As if nothing had happened. As if all those dark thoughts of betrayal had been nothing but a dream, now forgotten into Shinji`s sub-consciousness.

They stay like that for what seems like hours. There is a deep silence seeping into the grey room, drenching them. It`s almost soothing.

He decides to ask, because if not now, then when? Else-when he`d be too scared to ask things like this.

“Hey, Kaworu, why were you so kind to me?”

Kaworu can`t quite decide if he should answer like he always has.(Because I love you, because I love you so, so much, Shinji) Through all these lives, the same feeling flows through, and just now, he wonders is love is too strong of a word. (Even if it is the best one)

“Because I like you very, very much, Shinji.”

It`s not as always, probably like everything around, but the reaction is similar. Shinji reddens, furrows his brows.

“I, uh, think I liked you a lot too. But I`m not so sure about now.”

“Alright.”

There is a soft heat, too dull to hurt, spreading outwards from the centre of his chest. It feels like shame.

(So much unlike the way his neck burns where the bruises of Shinji`s palms are forming.)

Eventually, Shinji leaves and Kaworu is just glad that the boy is calm now, and not hateful or seething and sad and angry at him. But mostly he`s just happy Shinji was brave enough to get that off his chest. Yes, there was something fucked up inside of himself, this life, but Shinji was better here, stronger.

It`s enough to make this reality worth it.

But, even so, a question remains for his tired mind to mull over repeatedly.

_Why was he even alive now, alive here, after the failure of his mission?_

**

Kaworu is escorted out of the grey room by people in white uniforms and red berets.

(The berets make him think of history, of a revolution failed, of a symbol of freedom, just like he was, stuck underground, an intangible object in the very real hands of man, and it`s an odd thought, really.)

‘This is your room’ they say, ‘Stay here and do not leave’ they say, as if the door doesn`t lock from the outside. (but he is an angel, after all, they know he could unlock it if he wanted to, outside or inside)

‘Tomorrow morning you will be taken to the main lab for the collection of analysis samples.’

His response is a nod. It`s not actually necessary to respond to those kinds of sentences, he knows, but maybe it`s a human habit rubbing off on him. (Or maybe he`d grown up with it, in this life? How confusing)

Kaworu lies down on the bed, face-down and exhales forcefully. It sounds, maybe, like a garble.

And there, lying like that, for the first time in this life, he tries to feel Adam.(He`s never needed to _try_ before, Adam had always just been there, in the vision of his guts, in the peripherals of his mind, pulling, pulling, ever closer and ever nearer)

He finds only silence.

And so, he tries again, and then again, but for the other angels

(because they are angels, they are connected, like a hive-mind, except separate and just because a physical shell is dead does not mean that the spirit is.)

They are there, in the peripherals and coming to the centre as he searches. They seem different too, a bit sad? They`ve never been sad before.

They whisper to find Lilith and leave him. It hurts in his chest and tightens in his throat when they do.

Is this how humans feel? This completely loneliness? Being so alone in their mind that it physically pains them. (He guesses Lilith was cruel in creating them)

So there, in his own emptiness, he clears the space of air, of thoughts, of dust and of everything else, then falls asleep.

**

He wakes up when someone clears their throat. It makes him jump up off of the bed and twist to see who it is.

A scientist stands there, along with one of the guards with the berets.

“Follow me, please.”

He does. Peacefully. Quietly. Seamlessly keeping in step.

His first thought when they reach the labs and greet doctor Akagi is of what his siblings told him. She is just about to say something but he knows this is more important

“Is Lilith the one under central dogma?”

(Everyone stares at him, surprised and suspicious of the question. Why _would he_ ever need to know?)

Akagi seems to consider whether to answer, face taut.

“Yes, it is.” The answer is slow. Something in Kaworu cringes at how she says ‘it’ when referring to Lilith, as if a mother could be inanimate.

“Could I see her, please? I need just one answer to a question. It is very important. And not dangerous to anyone, I`ve been told.” (the last bit is a lie, he`s just lying to get what he wants. Humans have taught him well.)

There is an immediate hiss of whispers, all answering in negative or asking something that could be any and all variations of ‘how dare he’

“As far as I know, it is not dangerous, yes, but what will happen once we take you to it?”

“I will ask my question, hopefully receive an answer, and leave.”

“NERV has no obligation to fulfil your requests.”

“Think of it as a term of surrender, then?”

Akagi thinks for a while and then simply says “Alright. The final angel`s final wish. We can do that. But first, we have to collect materials for analysis.”

Kaworu nods. He agreed to this, after all.

They snip off some hair, clip his nails, take a skin sample, a blood sample and do some things he doesn`t even understand (and doesn`t really want to) They also take photographs, lots of them, and ask questions upon questions on the nature of his angelic powers, not all which are answered because he doesn`t really know himself.

It goes on for some two or three hours. Then the scientists are all bent over tubes and beakers, scribbling notes and testing and testing everything in every way.

(He wonders if lilim would be as calm about being picked apart as doing the picking? Because he doesn`t have moral boundaries like they do, it`s a thing he`s thought about many times now. He understands that this would make them feel violated? Even though it`s just bits of the physical body. Maybe they`re closer to their bodies than angel? Probably, he supposes, they care for their bodies so much, after all.)

He`s been sitting on a table for a good while now, swinging his legs and recently humming. Quietly though, because doesn`t want to make it hard for the scientists to focus on understanding him.

(Maybe he can look at this like a game? Have them guess at what he`s made of. Maybe he isn`t even a carbon based organism. Maybe he`s of quicksilver or of arsenic? Maybe sulphur? Whatever it is, if it is something else, it`s probably poison to lilim.)

His musings end when Akagi comes over and gestures for him to follow her. He understands immediately. Lilith. His heart speeds up.  A few people in the uniforms accompany them.

The halls down are dark and mostly unlit. The ever-present clanging of metal and the soles of shoes falls into step with them.

As they near Lilith, the air starts to seem different. It smells like something he knows, recognizes, but can`t quite remember in his conscious mind.

“Doctor Akagi, do you know what that smell is?”

She raises an eyebrow. “What smell are you talking about, Tabris?”

“It`s nothing, never mind.”

She can`t smell it. He knows why. Because in a jolt of epiphany he recognizes it.  It smells like Lilith`s blood, only fused with the absolute-terror field of one of Adam`s offspring. How did one of his siblings get this far down NERV`s spine? Did Ireul crawl into this reality? But no, it doesn`t feel like Ireul, not strongly enough to be sure.

When the gates to Lilith open, something wafts out of the dark space, like a wave, but the lilim do not notice it at all. They don`t notice a lot of things.

It still makes Kaworu`s hackles rise.

They enter. It`s such a wide space, something he never noticed or appreciated before. But it is dark, here. Too dark to be alive, the way lilim are. Angels could live here, though. They have no problems with darkness. Or light. Or with anything. They don`t feel, don`t depend on the outside. They are hive-like, connected by their innards and neurons, thinking in unison (most of the time, except for Tabris, who thinks in time to them rarely)

A few tens of paces from the doors, and a few hundred to Lilith, they stop.

Lilith has no soul in the body she manifests as. And yet, it is not entirely empty, which is actually something he would not tell the Lilim, for fear they be aggravated or intimidated.

But it is this very fact that almost guarantees an answer to Tabris.

Why is he alive, then?

“Lilith, mother of Lilim, I come to you as a child of your own sibling, Adam, in a search of an answer. I ask you what kind of reality this is. Never have I experienced one similar. In every other, I die in a mission. But here, there is no mission and no death. I know not what to think of this. Please help me.”

Something floods him then, light and warm and soothing. He goes limp under it and has just enough time to hear his knees hit the floor before

An absolute

Silence.

He loses shape in it. Loses name and memory and pain. (again, again like being reborn. Did Lilith kill him?)

This is the feeling of melting in to one another, he knows it and, when she nears, Lilith sounds like the sea as she whispers (and he is surprised to find she is not cruel)

But what she tells him, he does not comprehend, for she tells him of a sanctuary, a forever accessible memory, a music piece, played upon a violin.

She tells him to rest, to find peace, to breathe, for he has spent a hundred lives dying and needs to sleep to die another thousand. She then kisses his forehead and lets him go.

**

He wakes up with tears in his eyes and wires in his veins and loud voices in his range of hearing. His clothes have been changed and his shoes are missing.

He feels too happy to be surprised by any of this.

This reality is a respite! He knows now! He can do anything he wants!

He gently tugs the needles from his skin and the wipes his still-wet eyes on his forearm. This is the room that was assigned to him. He had expected to wake up in the one with the one-way window/mirror.

He stands up and immediately sits back down, dizzy. When his vision clears, he tries again, this time slower.

He feels different. His mind is clear, but in a different way than before. It`s kind of empty. His siblings aren`t in his head anymore, but rather have retreated into the back of his consciousness, still there, but not dominant. He can compare the feeling to having flower buds on the inner side of his occiput.

It feels like a wreath. He`s always liked those. Nature`s crowns.

Then he realizes there is no one in the room, even though he had heard voices. Had they been real? Or had he heard them through walls?

_`ah, yes, the meaningless little questions of life`_ he whispers to himself, because he can. He can do a lot of things now, when he knows he is allowed to. It’s enlivening and scary at the same time. Again the sense of never-before-felt freedom washes over him, the same way it had when he realized he had no mission.

What is he supposed to do? Whatever he wants to, whatever he feels like doing.

How is he supposed to act? However. Anything would do now, no necessities. Be he knows he will not be cruel, he will not be cold. That would be wasting his chance.

How is he to explain any of this to lilim? Not an idea.

He sits back down and suddenly becomes curious. Had Lilith changed anything inside of him?

He closes his eyes, retreats into his soul. It feels different, unbound. No Adam still, and his siblings seemingly tucked away even further, so small he can barely see them. It makes him sad, why were they so distant now?

(and then he remembers the other Tabris, the one which looked like a seraph and had so many eyes, so many eyes and burned in bright flames, how it had screamed anger at him, screamed betrayal ‘ _you did this to yourself, how dare you_ ’ and it kind of explains half of what he wants to know, because his siblings probably feel the same way the other Tabris did.)

He guesses he kind of disappointed them. It makes a wave of coldness roll down his body.

But they are kinder he would have expected them to be. Even through a grudge and lack of understanding, they let him have what he wants, let him have a happiness he has craved for a hundred lives. He feels so thankful. So happy.

He chokes out ‘thank you’ s as he wipes at his eyes. Chokes them out to anyone and anything listening. And then he chokes them out louder even as his throat constricts tighter.

When he calms down, he is still full of absolute joy and relief. And a need to go out into fresh air. He realizes the lilim would not like him walking around outside of NERV (or his room), but Kaworu decides he does not currently care too much about that.

He opens the door, which isn`t locked. One of the lights in the hallway flickers and he hums to the choppy buzz of it. It almost makes a melody.

It`s hard finding his way out of the metal labyrinth, each corridor looks the same, echoes the same, is filled with the same stagnant air of caves, but some form of intuition helps him, pulls him, up stairs and elevator shafts. But he finds his way, eventually.

The fresh air envelops his skin and the way the cement feels under his feet reminds him of the forests he`d grown up in in this life.

Suddenly, something jerks within his core and he staggers, winded. This is not from him, not of him. It jerks again, and hurts so sharply in his spine his vision blurs for a second.

The third time, he whimpers and his sight goes black, flickers blurred and only then settles. He`s on the ground. It doesn`t repeat after that. He thinks maybe something had just shifted into place. Solid and a bit uncomfortable, behind his lungs but in front of the spine. Straight in the middle, raw. At least it does not hurt.

He might as well go for a walk, then. Ventilate the stuffy air out. Really, he can`t stand the air down there, now that he thinks about it. It`s too dry, too sterile. Too fake. He needs this freshness.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Free.


	3. My skies bleed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, i`m horrid for not updating in so long i`m so sorry  
> i should probs write something for the other fic i practically abandoned....  
> (●´⌓`●)

The swell of freedom in his mind overbears all else. The nature seems so much more beautiful now (and not one part of him hates it) and his vision, through his eyes, seems a lot more vivid. All the details and all the views arrange in harmony and still, he is filled with joy that almost makes him cry.

This is, indeed, almost too good to be true. Eh, screw the almost. It is too good to be true. But it is, Tabris believes it, feels it in his core and even if he had known this was a lie, he would open it with open arms and a graceful smile.

He has ended up by the water. The blue one. The living one. And so, he decides to do something he has not, before. He wades into it, still clothed, until he is submerged and far off from the shore. But his eyes are open and he is looking. He has never looked before.

This is symbolism at its finest, he supposes.

The trust fall is not necessary, in this life, no counting on invisible things and unknown wills, he is free to see and to interact and to

Yes, here, he can save things. He would have time to nurse kittens, wouldn`t have to kill them, he can be with Shinji, wonderful, surprisingly-strong-in-this-life Shinji. He can explore the lands; explore the skies, the world and the beings living in it.

There is a submerged building. It is large and leaves black water as it`s shadow, but the light of the sun behind it, through the water seems like a halo and it`s beautiful and he loves it.

Tabris decides to enter, because he can. Not all of it is full of water; there are patches of air in the corners of rooms, some even only half submerged. He makes his way up through the many floors and this had been an apartment complex. He sees lilim lives, lilim belongings, their sentiments and their close ones. In this life, he feels closer, can actually appreciate it, the aesthetic of it.

At some point, the building peaks out of the water. As Tabris climbs up into the air, he feels refreshed. But it`s a bit chilly in his soggy clothes. Thank god it doesn`t bother him. The apartments full of air are also full of dust and the way the sunlight breaks through the windows mesmerises. It`s nearing sunset.

Everything is a glorious shade of gold, bronze and faded magenta-esque vermillion. The last apartment is empty. It makes him sad. So sad that it kind of hurts in his chest, so, as if in denial, he searches through the empty rooms in search of something, anything that would have proved someone had lived there at some point. There is something akin to footprints in one hall that lead through a door-less doorframe and he gasps.

Straight through the near blinding light, the contours of a grand piano. Dead centre of the room. There is no stool though. These had been meant to play standing. Tabris walks over, grazes his long thing fingers over the layer of dust and

“How are you real here? How do you exist as this? How long have you been left alone?”

It`s his own questions, but he doesn`t recognise the voice. (he knows it is his own, knows no one else is here, he would feel if there were)

The dust comes off and sticks to his fingers thickly. This place has been abandoned for long. But how long? 15 years? 10 year? 6 years? 5? It`s amazing that it hadn`t been destroyed in one of the battles between evas and angels. It still stands here, stable and just slightly leaning.

The awe of it is too much, he desires to play it, needs to play it. He opens the lid and dabs at the keys and they sound smoky and hazed and this piano has become un-tuned and one of the keys doesn`t even work but it`s the most beautiful music Tabris has heard in a very long time.

Again, he smiles and feels soft tears in his eyes and this life is so blessed and so kind and he is so thankful.

Tabris is so thankful. Kaworu Nagisa is so thankful. Each part of his body, each cell, each bone is thankful.

And this music, this piano is his instrument of expressing it. The hazed sound of it is the way his voice cracks, the mute key his inability to put it all to words. The abandonment which is palpable in the room, in the thick dust is the way this is the first time he has really felt like this, _like this._

_\--_

He has no idea how long he had played, but his fingers were stiff and creaking, his legs sore from standing up for so long and the sun no longer visible at the horizon. He had played out his thankfulness into the night time, into the silence and lightless peace.

NERV must have worried. Shinji might have worried. Someone is probably angry, someone probably paranoid, but he, Tabris himself, is completely pacified.

He heads back to the shore, through the thick water, which by now is lightless and cold. And, somehow, it feels as if it could never have been any other way. Yes, this has all played out perfectly and cleanly, without a single hitch.

When his head comes out from below the water, there is a figure, a person on the shore. They seem white, even in such dim light, as if washed out and out of place.

Nearing in, he recognises it as Rei. When he is but to his ankles in the water and only a few metres away, she speaks, voice strangely warm and melodic and full of emotion in a way that is unnatural to her

“You looked so dazzling white, coming out of the sea and unto this land. I am so proud of you. You do so well here, Tabris.”

“Lilith?”

“It _is_ me, Tabris. The same one, just not in the same skin.”

“What of Rei?”

“She is sleeping, resting, but soon shall wake.”

A pause.

“Thank you.”

“I heard your previous thank you as well, as did Adam and your siblings.”

“Do you mean the piano?”

“You play beautifully, Tabris. It is because you are able to freely choose the notes. You have a separate consciousness. To honour that, we gifted you this.”

“We?”

“Yes, we, all of us. All of us who sing. All of us who fell from the heavens.”

“I think I understand now. You, me, we can be kind.”

Lilith smiles, though there is a thick, dark and swirling mist in her eyes as she speaks.

“Yes, we can.”

Then, she seems to disappear. The shore is hollow, pitch shaded and feels unfinished. Like a painting abandoned. Rei won`t remember this exchange(, but maybe she`ll have a dream in its place? He hopes it to be a pleasant one, the same way this life seems to be) Tabris will. And he`ll do it with a smile.

He walks back towards the main body of NERV, that underground dog with the heavy air. But with himself he pulls a breeze to soothe, a fresh space of air for the metal caverns. The rhythm of his steps and the rhythm of his breathing intertwine.

All is well.

\--

In NERV, he is awaited with anxiousness. Shaded and tired eyes view him. Some curse. Some sigh. At least no one throws a punch.

Akagi and Katsuragi are there to scold him. (But still, they seem to treat him more human than last time they`d met) After about fifteen minutes of their rigorous talking he is allowed to go to his quarters, which he does with a spring in his step, completely unfazed.

\--

The seraph, the other Tabris appears in his dreams but it neither whispers nor shrieks. Just watches something beyond the horizon, which Kaworu cannot see. It`s behind a forest. A thick one, at that. Just miles of pines and spruces and birches. Beautiful trees, really, and tall too.

Nothing else happens.

\--

He wakes up to a pleasant smell. Which is unexpected, so he doesn`t move, doesn`t give away his awake state, just feels through the air of the room with his consciousness. What he finds is someone he`d never mistake for a different lilim.

And the smell is, well, apparently, breakfast. (though whose is a question that ought to be added here)

There is a moment of thought before he decides to begin the inevitable interaction with a loud(and fake) yawn. He also rubs his eyes and somewhat squints to add to the appearance of being half-asleep.

He blinks at Shinji a few times, waits for the response. Shinji seems to worry his hands before speaking, noticeably more quietly than usual, Kaworu guesses to spare his “sleepy” senses. It`s cute. And thoughtful. Kaworu`s heart blooms warm all over again.

“Good morning, Kaworu. How was your sleep?”

“I had a most wonderful dream, Shinji. And it seems that the wonder has slipped into reality too! It seems like a great morning, don`t you think?”

“I hope so, but we can`t really tell, since we`re underground, you know.”

And still, he`s smiling back at Kaworu.

“You say that as if it can`t be great just because of the location! But anything can be great anywhere, you see!”

There is a lilt to his voice he hadn`t put there knowingly. The sweeping gestures of his hands had been conscious, though. Shinji`s smile widens some and his eyes look warm with fondness.

To think not long ago he`d looked almost rabid, squeezing his palms around the angel`s windpipe, pleading and crying and so, so angry. Not long ago he`d had no idea what was going on. Yet here he was, waiting for Kaworu to wake up, with a meal. Yet here he was, smiling and affectionate.

“Ah, you`re right.”

Kaworu finally moves up from his half-sleeping position to sit on the edge of the bed, places his elbows on his knees and rests his chin atop his upturned palms.

“What do you have there?”

He gestures with his face to the bundle Shinji holds securely on his lap. Shinji seems startled by the question and his cheeks dust red before his smile returns, a bit more bashful this time.

“It`s breakfast. For us. I mean, I thought we could eat it together, outside. Like a morning picnic.”

“That sounds like a wonderful idea, Shinji. Do you have a spot in mind?”

“Yes, actually. We can go now, if you get dressed.”

Kaworu nods and moves to take off his nightshirt. Shinji turns away, a bit huffed that he did that without warning. It`s easy to find his clothes, they`re folded neatly over one of the chairs. He puts them on in expert time.

When he moves to the door to get his shoes, Shinji stands up too.

Then they exit the room shoulder to shoulder.

\--

Shinji had picked a nice grassy hill with two thick stumps to sit on. Looks like there used to be three trees there, though only one still stands. It`s a very large pine tree, looked about four hundred years old. Kaworu has heard they sometimes live up to five hundred or more.

“When I was younger, I used to come here sometimes. There were three pines, then. I remember trying to climb them, but I was too scared of falling to actually go to any of the higher branches.”

Shinji looks like he`s dreaming as he speaks. They must be nice memories.

“I grew up near trees too. There was a very large forest just outside my house.”

“Wow, really? That`s so cool. I lived in the city and got out of it only rarely. I wish I would have had a forest nearby.”

“Well, forests come with certain dangers. There are predator animals there, like wolves and foxes and sometimes bears. Meese can be dangerous too.”

“Ah, that`s right.. I wouldn`t call cities safe either, though. There are robbers, killers, drug dealers and all sorts of shady people.”

“Yeah. Nowhere is _really_ safe, when you think about it. It`s a bit frightening to ponder on.”

There`s a silence after that. Then Shinji opens his mouth to mutter

“I guess it`s time to eat?” and he tries to make a joyful face but looks more worried than anything.

“Yeah. Let`s eat.” Is the just as silent answer.

\--

They go for a swim on that day, too. Just like before the other Tabris. As if nothing has changed. They swim a long, elegant arc to the other side of the lake, then back. The water is really clear, and the bottom can almost be made out. It`s so deep.

Kaworu remembers the lake in Sweden, the one he`d swam in so many times this life. It had been amazingly clear too. Clearer than this one. He`d seen the giant logs and rocks at the bottom, even in the evenings.

When they get out of the water, they`re both breathing hard from the exertion, but huffing laughs.

“I still can`t believe you got tangled in the waterweeds, Kaworu.” Shinji say between giggles.

“Well, that moment when you thought the fish was eating your leg was amusing too.” Kaworu provides, still snickering.

They break out into another wave of laughs.

\--

At some point, Shinji had gone home to do his homework. He had wished Kaworu a good rest of the day, though. Kaworu had returned the sentiment.

But when Shinji had disappeared from his sight, Kaworu felt the jerking sensation again. Whatever was there, behind his lungs and in front of his spine, it wasn`t there comfortably. And then suddenly, there is white hot pain in his vertebrae. It`s like his bones are deforming. And it is all accompanied by the jerking sensation. It goes out from where it`d been contained this time to where his spine warps.

Then, as suddenly as it had started, the pain stops, leaving him on all fours, wheezing, unseeing and with tears in his eyes. His limbs shake and he feels a fever coming on.

What was that?

He shoves his hands beneath the shirt, feeling along his spine. There are bumps by his shoulder blades. It hurts touching them, still raw.

What was happening? And why?

His breathing steadies after a while and he decides to go back to NERV. It might be a good idea to talk to Akagi about this, whatever it was.

He`s pretty proud about how he staggers only a little.

\--

When he gets to NERV, he can`t find Akagi or Matsumoto anywhere. And no one else seems to stay in the same place long enough for him to explain. In the end, he resigns.

\--

His room feels colder than yesterday.

The hairs on his arms and neck stand on end. The coldness seems more like some kind of emotion. There is a note on his pillow, next to a bottle of what seems to be pills.

“I though you would need them.”

Is all that`s on the paper. The handwriting is amazingly clean and precise, as if carved there with a scalpel.

He recognizes the pills. The inner cap is white, the outer one red. These were the pills he took to stabilize and ensure the interaction between the angel and human parts of his DNA, though they also had nutrients in them.

He can imagine only one person having to use them, other than himself, but he can`t understand why she`d give these to him. Well, the sentiment seems nice enough, he thinks with a small smile.

He holds one of the pills in between his fingertips. It smells crisp and chemical. When he puts it on his tongue, it tastes like plastic and paper. Then, he swallows. He doesn`t really need to wash it down.

\--

When he wakes up, the cold feeling is gone from the room. There isn`t anyone there. He gets dressed. It feels like early spring or late autumn, rather than April. At least down here. Not that the season change much anymore.

`The tunnel-like halls still chime like bells`, he thinks, going up and out, to where there is green and blue and white and all other colours.

Today is sunnier. He walks to a large rock and sits there, thinking for a good half hour or so. Kaworu`s fingers itch to move. Ah, he really misses that piano. He would give so much to just get to play it now. Or a violin. He`d always been fond of violins. Maybe flutes, too.

Then, because sitting and thinking about music isn`t doing anything to create it, he begins to hum a tune he knows all too well.

“Joy, thou beauteous godly lighting,  
Daughter of Elysium,  
Fire drunken we are ent'ring  
Heavenly, thy holy home!

Thy enchantments bind together,  
What did custom stern divide;  
Every man becomes a brother,  
Where thy gentle wings abide.”

But, sadly, he doesn`t remember the chorus. Or the rest of the poem. It was a long one, though. He knew that much. He sighs. Now that the excitement of freedom has passed, he feels somewhat deflated. A whole lifetime. That`s so much.

What is going to do? He can`t waste this opportunity. It`s too big. Another sigh.

There are footsteps approaching. Over his shoulder, he sees Shinji, though there is a slightly nervous look in his eyes. He takes a seat next to Kaworu.

“Hey, Kaworu, would you… mind hearing something a bit weird?”

Well, that`s one way to start a conversation.

“No, I wouldn`t mind at all. What is it?”

“I had a dream last night. It was like glimpses and snippets of events. It was so very sad. You were there too. But, different. All kinds of different. It was like many people with your face.”

Kaworu feels his hackles rise. No no, not that. It can`t be! Can it? And Shinji is talking in such a light voice too.

 “And in each snippet, I was different too. Everyone was so different. There was one where the sky was swallowed up by a red hole, and you exploded and everyone was so scared. And one where I crushed you in the palm of an eva. Oh, and one where you kept asking me to forgive you. We were both crying in that one, but no one else was there. It was so weird, and felt so real. I`ve never had a dream like that befo- oh god, are you okay?”

Kaworu feels his stomach churn. With each word he`d seen it happen like yesterday. Each life. Each failure. So clear, he can remember. The blood. The pain. The fear.

“Oh, it was too weird, wasn`t it? I shouldn`t have told you. God, you`re so pale, Kaworu! Should I take you to the hospital?”

“No, that`s okay, it`s just…”

“Just what?”

And no, this is too sudden. It caught him completely by surprise. What exactly is going on here? He feels his mood grow foul and damp

“Ah, it`s just. This is a bit serious. I need to think about this, alright? We`ll continue this conversation later, okay?”

And he hates to leave it at that. Hates the cowering, guilty look on Shinji`s face. Wants to explain it`s going to be ok, but he can`t right now.

“Alright. Sorry for freaking you out.”

No, that`s not it! But, it`s as close as it gets, so Kaworu doesn`t say anything more.

“So, we`ll meet later, then.”

“Yeah.”

As he walks away, Kaworu feels downtrodden, and Shinji`s gaze on his back is a weight as heavy as any boulder.

He needs to think, yeah. He only needs to think.


End file.
